SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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