i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i drank out of a bidet.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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