you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
