You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
