watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
