Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize