My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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