i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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