Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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