I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
