I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
