She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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