Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
