I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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