I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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