Your dad touched me again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
