Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
