also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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