____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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