Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
