We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
