ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
