Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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