so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
