Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
