girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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