This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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