I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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