They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
