I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
