shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
