you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
