I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
