After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
