Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
