i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
