I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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