No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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