The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
