We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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