I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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