highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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