Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
