I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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