Christians are straight up FREAKS
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
