I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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