there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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