I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
