and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
