Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
