I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
