guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
