If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
