Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
